It's been a while since I posted here, but I feel I have something that must be said or rather must be asked. Why is it that so many in this world refuse to simply let others be to live their lives as they see fit and with as much happiness as they can find? I understand that many people feel that what others do is wrong and they don't support those ideas, but how does that effect them? Why is it that so many people have to push their views on the way the world should be on everyone else? What have I or anyone else done to you that has provoked this?
The answer I so often hear to those questions is "It's because God says so!". Well did he really? I was involved in church for most of my childhood and looking back I can't help but feel that the way christians talked about and acted toward the LGBT community effected me greatly. I already never fit in anywhere and being afraid of even less acceptance because 'God hates the gays" kept me closeted to the point that I very nearly ended it all. I do realize that the bible dose say things about men laying with men, but I also know that Jesus had a few things to say as well. If I am not mistaken Jesus said that He is the new covenant and that all the laws that came before him are gone. He taught people to love and be compassionate to one another and to simply treat them as you wish to be treated. When did Jesus ever say to shun those you find distasteful, to spew hate at them at every possible turn? Why do so many that scream to the heavens they are christians, act so little like Christ?
When I began to come out as transgender a year ago I knew that the chances were strong that I would have friends and family leave my life. I did end up losing a bit more than I thought I would and I will not deny that it hurt. The ones that hurt most were the ones that chose to leave because their religion would not allow them to be supportive of me in my, as they see them"sins". This truly amazed me because for as long as I can remember I was always told that we ALL have sinned and that no sin is greater than another. So why is it that some sins lead to being an outcast and having members of your own family no longer wish to speak to you? If someone wants to call me a sinner they are absolutely right. I am a sinner, and I was a sinner long before I ever made the decision to transition from one gender role to another. What then has changed? Do the christians really hate the LGBT community because they feel we live in sin or is it something else. Now I know I am generalizing here and yes I know that not everyone that calls themselves christians hold hate for the LGBT community, but with so many that do I have to ask why all the anger? Where do they find so much hatred for people that are simply trying to live their lives.
I suppose this wouldn't effect me so much if I hadn't had people that told me they would always love me turn and take this new path of hate. They may say that they don't hate me, but if it's not hate then what is it? What is it that has them asked me not to try and correct something that I have know was wrong for so very very long? Are they ashamed at what others will say? Can people really be so insecure that having others mock or look down on a loved on is enough to turn their back on them?
I simply don't understand. :(
For most of my life I considered myself to be a christian, but at this point watching people who claim to be a christian as well spew hate and intolerance wherever they can, I simply can't be a part of it. I don't fully know what I believe and I don't know how long it will take me to come to a conclusion on the matter, but I know that it's something I have to come to in my own time.
This type of religious persecution has to stop. Every day I read stories that have me doing all that I can to hold back the tears. People ridiculed, abused both physically and verbally, tormented, and even killed, all because others think what they are doing goes against their religion. If anything I would think that christians would consider life to be important, but sadly it seems that so many would rather see their children dead than being any part of the LGBT community. Why must this be, will it ever end?
I have rambled on just a bit more than I meant to and I apologize that I am not a better writer, so I guess I will finish with this.
If you feel that I am wrong in who I am that's fine, if you think I am going to hell for what I do that's fine, if you think that every day God looks down on me in anger well that's fine too, if you think that the way you feel about me and my life is going to keep me from living it, think again,
Wednesday, January 7, 2015
Wednesday, October 22, 2014
A look inside
SO about an hour ago I awoke from a dream that was arguably one of the most realistic, vivid and horrifying I have ever experienced. This is what I remember of it.
I stood in one of the rooms of the church I had spent so many years in growing up. In this room was myself and several others standing shoulder to shoulder in the center of the room. Around the room where many faces that I recognized from many years ago, but who they were exactly I could not say for sure. It became clear fairly quickly that those of us in that line were to be put to death for our crimes. What I didn't understand was, what had I done to get to this point. I honestly didn't have any idea what crime I had committed to deserve to be put to death. I don't want to go into the specifics of how this was to be carried out, but what I will say is it had to do with electrocution.
I don't recall actually seeing anyone being put to death, but slowly fewer and fewer of us remained in the room. So as the numbers dwindled soon it became my turn and when it was I could not help but to ask why. What had I done to deserve this?! I continued to talk with them for some time trying to get an understanding of what it was that made my death a requirement, but all I received in response were vague statements about how wrong what I had done was. At no point would anyone actually tell me my crime, so I was left wondering if I had committed a murder that I simply didn't remember.
At some point I remember being allowed to go for a walk. I can only guess that they knew I wouldn't be able to get away. As I stepped outside I was not at this old church, I was at my mothers home. A home that I have known since I was a baby, once the residence of my grandmother and now the residence of my mother. I slowly walked around the house trying to figure out why all this was happening, but nothing came to mind and none of those that I spoke with would shed any light on the subject. At one point I sat by the side of the house and tried to think of any way that I could get away. I knew where I could go, I knew I had friends that would take me in and protect me, but how I would get to them I simply had no idea.
Eventually I saw the large group coming around the house and I knew that this was it and they had come to finish things. Out of fear I started to move quickly around the house trying to avoid them, but the house was small and I knew it was not long before they caught up with me. So I sat by the old shed and looked up at the trees and tried to remember all the good memories I had of this place. I did this with tears rolling down my face as I awaited what was approaching.
This is where it ends.
I know that dreams are sometimes just dreams and I know that sometimes they can also shed some light on what is going on in our minds that we may not realize. If this dream was based on anything within my subconscious I can only imagine that it must have something to do with the church and others in my life not wanting me to exist as I am now. I know this isn't the case with all religion, but many people in this world would rather see Kaylee dead than to see her alive and enjoying life. I know that some people want who I am now gone, and who I was back, but that simply isn't possible. I suppose that if the church felt I had taken a life and deserved to be punished for it they are right to some degree. I did end a life. I ended a life of pain and unending sadness, a life that many times wanted to end it's self. I ended the life of who I was, so that I could be free to be who I have become. This is nothing that I will ever allow myself to be punished for, but I know that I still carry a large amount of fear over how others see me now. I guess that could all be where this dream stemmed from.
The fear of what others think of who I am is one that I am still working to overcome. I am not there yet and I know that I have a very long path ahead of me, but I know that I can make it.
Tuesday, August 5, 2014
So this is me.
"I have been trying to figure out the best way to truly explain what is going on in my life to those around me. I find that when I really start looking into the science behind it all I don't fully understand it myself, but my inability to fully understand the research that has been and is being done does not make what I am going through any less real. I have only talked to some friends and most of my close family, but I am sure that my being transgender has reached much further. How far out I don't know, I know that a few other family members have been told but I really don't know to what extent this information has been passed along.
I know that some that I have told about who I am have voiced concern and feelings that what I am doing is morally and religiously wrong. We are all allowed to have our opinions on what is going on in the lives of those around us, but someone else's opinion will not steer me in a new direction. I don't know how to explain to any of you what it was like for me growing up. At some times things seemed okay and even enjoyable, but ever since I was a child I have known that I didn't feel comfortable in my own skin. I have had a few moments of outcry in my younger years that I still don't understand how I managed to ignore. One such instance was late one Sat night before my parents had divorced I was the only one still awake in the house and for what ever reason my need for female expression became so strong that I couldn't hold it back. With tears running down my face I walked out into the garage and through the broken window on the garage door I screamed into the night that I wanted to be a girl. I have no idea who I hoped would hear my cry but it was something that I simply had to say. Tears still streaming and feeling so shameful for having these desires I went back to bed and cried myself to sleep.
Last December I had reached my breaking point, and I could no longer hold this within me. I can not say what was going through my mind that told me that I needed to seek help, but I contacted a therapist that specialized in gender dysphoria and made an appointment for the end of the week. After seeing my therapist I felt a seance of calm that I had never really felt before. I guess that simple fact that I was finally dealing with something that I had been trying to repress for the large part of my life was a huge relief. I never expected this to happen but that very night was the night that I came out to myself. All night long I tried to sleep but couldn't, a migraine headache unlike any I had ever felt built and built for hours. My heart rate only increased in pace until at about 6am I felt as if I was either going to have a heart attack or just explode. It was at this time that I started to pray. I prayed that God would calm my heart and mind and guild be to the answers that I was trying to find. This went on for about 30 minutes, but somewhere in that time I had a realization that I had been repressing a huge part of who I was. I had a female within me that had never been allowed to breath, to see the light of day and feel the warmth of the sun. I could not believe what I had just come to understand, but I could not have been more relived and elated to have figured this out.
That day was arguably the greatest day of my life up to that point. The light of the day just seemed so much brighter and I felt a joy in my life. That day was Kaylee's first day in the world. Regardless of if my appearance would make anyone I met see me as Kaylee she was still out and seeing the world for the first time. For a few weeks I went on thinking that Kaylee was a part of me that I had kept repressed for so long, but one day while drinking some tea and reading I came to the understanding that Kaylee was not just a part of my, she is who I am. The plain and simple fact of it is that I am of female mind regardless what I may look like physically. I am Kaylee and though it may be hard for you to understand, I have made the decision to transition to a female role in this life. I simply can not repress who I am any longer. It very nearly killed me and I simply will not go back to a life filled with so much pain that I wished to end it.
So yes I am taking steps to make myself appear as female as possible. This won't be an easy journey by any stretch of the imagination but it is one that I must undergo. I have been taking Hormone replacement therapy for about 4 months now and at this point my hormone levels are that of a genetic female. I can only hope that my genetics will react well with the hormones alone and do a great deal to feminize my appearance. I have being doing quite a bit more to try and give my self the best chances that I can. I have lost just over 100 lbs since December and plan on going down another 110 lbs if I am able. I have been getting laser hair removal treatments to help to remove my facial hair. I have far more to do and so much more to learn, but I am on the path for my life and on this path I have finally known peace. I am not saying that I don't have rough days but they are nothing in comparison the the days that kept me from wanting to do nothing more than to sleep so that I didn't have to deal with being alive.
So there it is....... The person that for many years you have known as Brandon is not the person you thought they were. He was a she all along just desperately trying to hold on and barely doing so most of the time. If this transition is something that you simply can't be a part of then so be it, but if you wish to get to know Kaylee then I welcome your friendship. I am not saying that I am a completely different person from the one you have know, but I am by no means that same. I am finally finding myself and in doing so who I am will shift to some degree.
I feel like I have rambled a good bit at this point so I will wrap up with this. Thank you for reading what I have to say and I hope that you can try and understand what I have said without to much confusion. If you have any questions please feel free to contact me, but if you only wish to contact me to tell me how wrong you feel what I am doing is, I ask that you keep those feelings and opinions to yourself.
Thank you
Kaylee"
I know that some that I have told about who I am have voiced concern and feelings that what I am doing is morally and religiously wrong. We are all allowed to have our opinions on what is going on in the lives of those around us, but someone else's opinion will not steer me in a new direction. I don't know how to explain to any of you what it was like for me growing up. At some times things seemed okay and even enjoyable, but ever since I was a child I have known that I didn't feel comfortable in my own skin. I have had a few moments of outcry in my younger years that I still don't understand how I managed to ignore. One such instance was late one Sat night before my parents had divorced I was the only one still awake in the house and for what ever reason my need for female expression became so strong that I couldn't hold it back. With tears running down my face I walked out into the garage and through the broken window on the garage door I screamed into the night that I wanted to be a girl. I have no idea who I hoped would hear my cry but it was something that I simply had to say. Tears still streaming and feeling so shameful for having these desires I went back to bed and cried myself to sleep.
Last December I had reached my breaking point, and I could no longer hold this within me. I can not say what was going through my mind that told me that I needed to seek help, but I contacted a therapist that specialized in gender dysphoria and made an appointment for the end of the week. After seeing my therapist I felt a seance of calm that I had never really felt before. I guess that simple fact that I was finally dealing with something that I had been trying to repress for the large part of my life was a huge relief. I never expected this to happen but that very night was the night that I came out to myself. All night long I tried to sleep but couldn't, a migraine headache unlike any I had ever felt built and built for hours. My heart rate only increased in pace until at about 6am I felt as if I was either going to have a heart attack or just explode. It was at this time that I started to pray. I prayed that God would calm my heart and mind and guild be to the answers that I was trying to find. This went on for about 30 minutes, but somewhere in that time I had a realization that I had been repressing a huge part of who I was. I had a female within me that had never been allowed to breath, to see the light of day and feel the warmth of the sun. I could not believe what I had just come to understand, but I could not have been more relived and elated to have figured this out.
That day was arguably the greatest day of my life up to that point. The light of the day just seemed so much brighter and I felt a joy in my life. That day was Kaylee's first day in the world. Regardless of if my appearance would make anyone I met see me as Kaylee she was still out and seeing the world for the first time. For a few weeks I went on thinking that Kaylee was a part of me that I had kept repressed for so long, but one day while drinking some tea and reading I came to the understanding that Kaylee was not just a part of my, she is who I am. The plain and simple fact of it is that I am of female mind regardless what I may look like physically. I am Kaylee and though it may be hard for you to understand, I have made the decision to transition to a female role in this life. I simply can not repress who I am any longer. It very nearly killed me and I simply will not go back to a life filled with so much pain that I wished to end it.
So yes I am taking steps to make myself appear as female as possible. This won't be an easy journey by any stretch of the imagination but it is one that I must undergo. I have been taking Hormone replacement therapy for about 4 months now and at this point my hormone levels are that of a genetic female. I can only hope that my genetics will react well with the hormones alone and do a great deal to feminize my appearance. I have being doing quite a bit more to try and give my self the best chances that I can. I have lost just over 100 lbs since December and plan on going down another 110 lbs if I am able. I have been getting laser hair removal treatments to help to remove my facial hair. I have far more to do and so much more to learn, but I am on the path for my life and on this path I have finally known peace. I am not saying that I don't have rough days but they are nothing in comparison the the days that kept me from wanting to do nothing more than to sleep so that I didn't have to deal with being alive.
So there it is....... The person that for many years you have known as Brandon is not the person you thought they were. He was a she all along just desperately trying to hold on and barely doing so most of the time. If this transition is something that you simply can't be a part of then so be it, but if you wish to get to know Kaylee then I welcome your friendship. I am not saying that I am a completely different person from the one you have know, but I am by no means that same. I am finally finding myself and in doing so who I am will shift to some degree.
I feel like I have rambled a good bit at this point so I will wrap up with this. Thank you for reading what I have to say and I hope that you can try and understand what I have said without to much confusion. If you have any questions please feel free to contact me, but if you only wish to contact me to tell me how wrong you feel what I am doing is, I ask that you keep those feelings and opinions to yourself.
Thank you
Kaylee"
Monday, July 28, 2014
A look back
Recently I have been genuinely finding myself, finding who I really am and not the personality I created in order to survive. I am not saying that everything about who I was and how I presented myself was completely false, but it simply wasn't truly me. I have spent a fair amount of effort into trying to figure out how much of my past was part of who I was and how much was a fabrication in order to cope. As much time as this has taken and I am in no way saying I have figured it all out, but with the time I have invested so far I have to wonder how many from my past will be willing to spend similar time getting to know the real me this time around.
So with that in mind I have been looking at the possibility that a great many people that were a part of my life for so long may just not have the time to invest in getting to know me all over again. Most of the good friends I have had in my life I have had for a very long time, in many cases 16 years or longer. So at the age of 33 the idea of investing that many years of experiences, moments, and memories must be a daunting task. I know that some people that knew me before will stick around and get to know Kaylee and find out who I really am, but I also know that some will not. I know that some may not be able to handle the idea that someone they thought they knew was in fact someone very different than they had thought. Some at this point in life are simply to busy to try and get to know someone new, while other may look at who I really am and be so disgusted by it that they feel no other option exists but to break all communication from here on out.
Regardless of where those from my past may fall, be they people that I carry forward into the rest of my life or if they become nothing more than a treasured memory, I love them all. I look back at memories that seem to be from another life and in many ways they are. Memories of laughter shared and smiling faces, of shared pains and heartache, memories of truly inspiring moments in time. The memories of my past will always be with me even if those within them are not, so for that reason I will cherish each and every one of them.
So I travel forward not knowing what the path ahead holds in store for me or who I will create new memories with, but for those who have been a part of my life up till now please know that I couldn't have reached this point without you. I truly thank you all for what you have done for me no matter how small it may have been. The people that have been in my life made it possible for me to reach the time when I was finally ready to discover who I really am. Without you I know that this day would never have come. If you remain a part of my life I welcome you, but if this transition is something that must close the book on our time together then I understand and I wish you well as you travel forward in life.
Thank you all so much, you have helped make Kaylee a reality and no longer the secret that I have fearfully kept hidden away all this time.
Thank You
Kaylee
So with that in mind I have been looking at the possibility that a great many people that were a part of my life for so long may just not have the time to invest in getting to know me all over again. Most of the good friends I have had in my life I have had for a very long time, in many cases 16 years or longer. So at the age of 33 the idea of investing that many years of experiences, moments, and memories must be a daunting task. I know that some people that knew me before will stick around and get to know Kaylee and find out who I really am, but I also know that some will not. I know that some may not be able to handle the idea that someone they thought they knew was in fact someone very different than they had thought. Some at this point in life are simply to busy to try and get to know someone new, while other may look at who I really am and be so disgusted by it that they feel no other option exists but to break all communication from here on out.
Regardless of where those from my past may fall, be they people that I carry forward into the rest of my life or if they become nothing more than a treasured memory, I love them all. I look back at memories that seem to be from another life and in many ways they are. Memories of laughter shared and smiling faces, of shared pains and heartache, memories of truly inspiring moments in time. The memories of my past will always be with me even if those within them are not, so for that reason I will cherish each and every one of them.
So I travel forward not knowing what the path ahead holds in store for me or who I will create new memories with, but for those who have been a part of my life up till now please know that I couldn't have reached this point without you. I truly thank you all for what you have done for me no matter how small it may have been. The people that have been in my life made it possible for me to reach the time when I was finally ready to discover who I really am. Without you I know that this day would never have come. If you remain a part of my life I welcome you, but if this transition is something that must close the book on our time together then I understand and I wish you well as you travel forward in life.
Thank you all so much, you have helped make Kaylee a reality and no longer the secret that I have fearfully kept hidden away all this time.
Thank You
Kaylee
Monday, June 9, 2014
What is Pride
I find myself wonder what it is to have and to take pride in something. To me at least pride is something that stems from something done or accomplished. If you have pride in your life, you are proud of what you have done up to this point. If you have pride in the place you call home, be it your county, state, or town you take pride in what those places have done and how they have become what they are.
The kind of pride I simply do not understand is that of pride over something that is completely outside of our control. For instance if someone where to be born with birth defect would they take pride in that or simply accept it as a part of who they are and move on with life, trying to not let what ever abnormality they might have been born with effect them as much as they can.
In my case this defect is that I am transgender and when I was in development my body follow the path of male development, but my brain didn't. I was born with a female mind and as hard as that may be to comprehend, just look at all the evidence that we see every day that proves that men and women think differently. In my case my mind did all that it could to try and survive in a male role that it never understood and at times it attained some level of success. All in all however I was broken. I was trying to function with two separate pieces of hardware that were simply incompatible. So upon finally understanding this I decided that my only option to not just live a happy life, but to live a life at all was to take what ever steps I needed to make my mind and body compatible. All the studies that have been done that I am aware of have show that nothing can be done to the mind to correct this problem, but what can be done is to alter the body to bring it as close to in line with the mind as possible. This is the journey I have undertaken and I intend to see threw to it's end no matter where that end may be.
I have already had many people turn their backs to me over my seeking medical help for this birth defect and I knew going into this that loosing family, friends, and so much more was not just possible but very likely. This does not change the way I feel about the need to deal with this condition that has caused me more pain in my life than I could possibly express. So much pain that at this time last year I was more than ready to leave this life.
So this is what brings the question of pride into my mind. So many people I meet say that they are proud to be trans, and I simply do not understand this. I don't understand taking pride in something that has caused me almost more pain than I could handle and nearly lead to the end of my life. I do not wish to be transgender, I don't want to feel like I am being torn apart from the inside out. So why would I want to take pride in any of this. I can see taking pride in the fact that I found out what it has been that has caused me so much pain and found a way to overcome it, but that to me at least wouldn't be taking pride in being trans, that would be taking pride in the fact that I didn't give up. I chose to survive regardless of what it may have cost me in relationships, career opportunities, or even just social acceptance. I will take pride in my desire and drive to overcome, but to take pride in the thing that I am fighting to overcome simply make no seance to me at all.
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