I stood in one of the rooms of the church I had spent so many years in growing up. In this room was myself and several others standing shoulder to shoulder in the center of the room. Around the room where many faces that I recognized from many years ago, but who they were exactly I could not say for sure. It became clear fairly quickly that those of us in that line were to be put to death for our crimes. What I didn't understand was, what had I done to get to this point. I honestly didn't have any idea what crime I had committed to deserve to be put to death. I don't want to go into the specifics of how this was to be carried out, but what I will say is it had to do with electrocution.
I don't recall actually seeing anyone being put to death, but slowly fewer and fewer of us remained in the room. So as the numbers dwindled soon it became my turn and when it was I could not help but to ask why. What had I done to deserve this?! I continued to talk with them for some time trying to get an understanding of what it was that made my death a requirement, but all I received in response were vague statements about how wrong what I had done was. At no point would anyone actually tell me my crime, so I was left wondering if I had committed a murder that I simply didn't remember.
At some point I remember being allowed to go for a walk. I can only guess that they knew I wouldn't be able to get away. As I stepped outside I was not at this old church, I was at my mothers home. A home that I have known since I was a baby, once the residence of my grandmother and now the residence of my mother. I slowly walked around the house trying to figure out why all this was happening, but nothing came to mind and none of those that I spoke with would shed any light on the subject. At one point I sat by the side of the house and tried to think of any way that I could get away. I knew where I could go, I knew I had friends that would take me in and protect me, but how I would get to them I simply had no idea.
Eventually I saw the large group coming around the house and I knew that this was it and they had come to finish things. Out of fear I started to move quickly around the house trying to avoid them, but the house was small and I knew it was not long before they caught up with me. So I sat by the old shed and looked up at the trees and tried to remember all the good memories I had of this place. I did this with tears rolling down my face as I awaited what was approaching.
This is where it ends.
I know that dreams are sometimes just dreams and I know that sometimes they can also shed some light on what is going on in our minds that we may not realize. If this dream was based on anything within my subconscious I can only imagine that it must have something to do with the church and others in my life not wanting me to exist as I am now. I know this isn't the case with all religion, but many people in this world would rather see Kaylee dead than to see her alive and enjoying life. I know that some people want who I am now gone, and who I was back, but that simply isn't possible. I suppose that if the church felt I had taken a life and deserved to be punished for it they are right to some degree. I did end a life. I ended a life of pain and unending sadness, a life that many times wanted to end it's self. I ended the life of who I was, so that I could be free to be who I have become. This is nothing that I will ever allow myself to be punished for, but I know that I still carry a large amount of fear over how others see me now. I guess that could all be where this dream stemmed from.
The fear of what others think of who I am is one that I am still working to overcome. I am not there yet and I know that I have a very long path ahead of me, but I know that I can make it.
No comments:
Post a Comment